Life of a psychotic red head valentines side fic
by TheFallenangel927
Summary: Weird letters, toilet seats and military trained fan girls? What? Odd? No. It's just Valentines day.


**Me: Well I decided to give you another holiday fic! For the simple fact that I haven't updated in a while.**

**Tala: Yeah where were you?**

**Me: Remember me painfully falling down my steps?**

**Tala: Yeah. That was funny.**

**Me: No it wasn't Tala. I snapped my knee.**

**Tala: Oh..... (snickers)**

**Me: (Hits Tala with one of my crutches) SHUT UP! Anyways! I do not own Beyblade though if I did I would currently kill Tala.**

**Tala: Bitchy much?**

**Me: (hits Tala again)

* * *

**Ah. Saint Valentines Day. The holiday of love. Time for chocolates and kisses. For cheesy cards and those emo people who hate this holiday for one reason or another that I could care less about. Only one problem. WHY THE FUCK IS IT DURING ONE OF THE COLDEST MONTHS?! I don't know where you live but here February is brutally cold. But you know what I think I can stand it. Why? Because this year I am going to get the one thing that I always wanted for valentines.

...No. Not one of those fifty cent box of candy hearts that taste like shit. Honestly those are disgusting.

I'm talking about hot, sweaty, passionate....hugging with my Rei. Yes I said hugging. After all I don't think that I'll get enough peace around here for anything more than hugging. My life is pathetic. I mean what kind of man can't have any kind of sex in his own house without being disturbed! I mean honestly, I can't even take a shower alone. Seriously, I was minding my own business and I was....washing my manly area and from the corner of my eye I swear I thought I saw something move. Immediately I stick my head out the shower curtain and see that nothing was there. So I go back and decide that I was clean and I really didn't want to know if someone was in here with me. So I turn off the water and then reach for what should've been my towel.

Keyword: Should've

I feel something...squishy and soft. Immediately I am thinking 'I just caught a Ditto! Awesome!' Now looking back at that. Pokemon aren't real. Wish someone had told me that earlier. So I look at what is in my hand and I have to give myself credit. It was pepto bismol pink and it was shapeless but I am even more convinced now more than ever that Mariah is definitely not human. After that I heard someone screaming and then I blacked out. Yang swears that the screaming came from me but I do not scream that high pitched.

Yes Mariah was in the shower with me. Why she was there I do not know. How long was she there? I am not sure. All I know is that if I cannot take a fucking _shower_ alone how the hell am I supposed to fu.....hug Rei.

"Tala! What do you think of these?" screams Julia in my ear about some red monstrosity.

"Honestly?" I said.

"Of course!" she says still beaming.

"...What the fuck is it?" I say picking it up and studying it.

"It's an outfit for Rei's cat!"

Oh fuck no. Are you serious?! This cannot be an outfit.

"Well...." she said leaning forward pressing her breast against me.

Currently I think I am very uncomfortable.

"......You wasted your money." I say very callously as I pushed Julia off of me by her arms.

"Oh...." she said blinking and taking a step back, "so I should return it."

Hell yeah! Oh I mean...

"Yes." I said glaring at her.

Snap out of it woman! Remember I'm your semi-friendly neighborhood gay man. Not to be hit on by those with boobs. Yes I got rid of the cue cards. Instead I got this festive tee shirt!

/ \

Kiss me I'm gay

"Um....Tala I meant to ask you this earlier but why are you wearing that shirt?" asked Julia

"Because I like it."

"Oh.....Your funeral then." she said walking away.

My funeral? Holy shit! are those fan girls?! With...cue cards? What the fuck am I now being stalked by people with these evil abominations of paper? Why are they looking at me like that?

"I'd love to kiss you Tala!"

......On second thought forget the shirts.

* * *

Okay. I am officially starting to get tired of this. I'm seriously considering committing suicide if it's to get away from all of these fan girls. I am currently stretched out spread eagle on the ceiling of a stall. (Thank god these stall walls go up to the ceilings or I'd be screwed.) Have you ever seen the movie Matilda? Yeah remember when she was hiding under the table in that evil ladies house? Yeah that's what I'm doing. Why? Simply put these fan girls are not above kicking open the doors. As the last few occupants of this bathroom figured out.

"I could've sworn I saw him come in here."

"Me too."

So did I but I'm not giving up that valuable information.

"Okay you two stay in here and keep guard. If he's somehow hiding in here give a call to either me, Michelle or James."

"Yes ma'am" the two girls said simultaneously

Holy shit! These girls (and James) are serious! They have groups and a leader. They're like a mini-army! Wait till I tell everyone! I figured out the secret of the---

Oh. Shit. I'm starting to slip.

"Marietta. Keep guard I have to pee."

"Okay."

Great. Just my luck that she picks my stall to-- Ew! Ew! Eewwwww! Don't do it please don't! Someone save me already.

"HEY!" yelled Yang pushing open the bathroom door rather forcefully.

Oh thank god. I never thought that I'd be happy to find Yang in a men's bathroom before.

"What?! Who the fuck are you?" said the girl who was just about to use the bathroom before my virgin eyes.

"I'm the one who's about to kick your asses if the cops don't get to it first." she said threateningly

"The cops?" they said together.

"Yeah. The cops. I called them. You might want to run."

"This isn't over!"

"Yeah the last fan girl who said that wound up in the hospital!" she yelled at their retreating forms.

_**BAM!**_

Ouch. That hurt. Stupid me had to go and wipe the sweat on my forehead.

"Oh there you go." said Yang calmly.

* * *

"Ouch. Ouch. OUCH!" I said trying to pull my foot out of Yang's grasps.

You think the wheelchair would at least move when I pulled but no. The stupid thing had to go and had brakes.

"What did you do this time?" said Mariah sitting on the chair opposite my couch.

"Nothing." I said.

"He got his foot stuck in a toilet." said Yang.

Traitor.

"How did he do that?" asked Rei who was leaning on the back of Mariah's chair.

"He fell from the ceiling." she said nonchalantly.

I blushed crimson as everyone started to laugh at me.

"What? It's not like I get into these situations all the time!" I said defensively.

Oh great. They're laughing harder. Please shoot me.

"Oh yeah. This doesn't happen all the time." said Mariah.

"It didn't happen last week on the bus when fans were mistaking you for Molly Ringwald." said Rei

"Or the time when you went Christmas shopping and ended up in Claires" said Mariah.

" Or the time when they somehow managed to steal your shoe and earring and you didn't notice until you got home."

"Or when you got chased by them back in Russia and you ran down an alleyway only to get mugged and then tossed back out into the heap of fans waiting." said Yang, "now looking back on that I think they planned that one out good."

I. Hate. Yang. I would so kick her right now if she didn't have my foot in a death grip. Now you see why I hate this holiday.

"You must have a million fang girl stories to tell about Tala, Yang." said Mariah.

"I have more than just those stories. There was this time when he ran into the side of a hou--"(1)

"Do we really have to play the lets embarrass Tala game?" said interrupting yang

"Yes" they said unanimously

And this is what my life has been reduced to. Great.

* * *

So now that I'm done being 'cared for' I get to hobble around with what was formerly Rei's crutches. Bright side to all of this.

THEY STILL SMELL LIKE REI!

I think I'm could die happy here.

"So...how are those toliets? I heard they flushed automatically. You know to reduce germs from idiot people who get feet stuck in them." said Julia walking by my semi-permanent spot in the living room.

Happy moment over. I swear if I weren't in these crutches I'd chase her down and throw her into a vat of pink dye.

......Maybe that's what happened to Mariah?

.....Nah.

You know what's really sad about this whole situation. Yang can get up the stairs faster than me and she's in a fucking wheelchair. How is that possible you ask? She has one of those moving chair thingys that goes up and down the side of stairs. I am so jealous.

"Hey Tala." said Rei plopping down in the seat next to me.

Well hello there sexy. Tis a lovely day. The sun's a shinin'. The flow'rs a bloomin' and the birds a chripin'.

"Uh Tala. Are you okay?"

No Rei. I'm never okay.

"Yeah" I lied.

"Well I thought that I might keep you company. You know being all immobile and what not...." Rei said blushing

Oh. My. God. He's is soooo adorable. I think I am going to squeal.

"INCOMING!"

Maybe he just might have a small crush on me. You know I am the great and --- Oh! lookie! Flying mail again!

"Tala! Duck!"

Where? I don't see any-- Ouch.

I feel like a dumbass. Of course he meant duck under the flying mail that was heading straight towards your face. Not an actual duck.

Question: Why do people yell out duck when they want you to dodge something? It's not like the animal is actually there to point out.

Question 2: What do you say to people with pet ducks? Goose? Chicken? I wonder....

Question 3: Why do I always manage to get hit with the flying mail? Seriously. This doesn't happen to anybody else.

"Tala. Anybody home?" said Rei waving a hand in front of my face.

"Huh?" I so elegantly said.

"So whose the letter from?"

"Letter?"

Oh! You mean the one that just hit me in the face. Hm....

It says from a secret admirer. Please don't let it be fan mail. I thought Yang usually reads these, cackles evilly and then throws them into a bonfire....What? You think I'm joking? I've seen her do it...fine go ask her. I'll wait.....In the mean while I'll just read this oh so convenient letter that just happened to float into my presence.

_My dearest Tala,_

_Not a day goes by when I do not revel in your aesthetic allurement. You have ensnared me full body and soul. Oh how I wish to indulge in the sweetness that is your lips. To gaze into those azure orbs. Oh grant this sinner his one wish and succumb to my sweet inclination._

_Forever yours(2)_

.........What?

"I didn't know fangirls could be so.....eloquent." said Rei over my shoulder.

AIEEEEE!

"Oh my god! Tala are you okay?!"

No. I just jumped out of my skin (and consequently my chair) and banged my very sprained foot against the hard wooden floor. My heart has yet to return from wherever it ran off to and I am still confused about whoever sent me this oh so lovely letter. Seriously I need a thesarus to figure this out.

....Thesaurus. Didn't I get one of those for a present? I could've swore that someone got me a thesaurus.

"Yes you got one from Ten and you was happy for about a week before forgetting about it in favor of the box of chocolate that came in the mail and you someow managed to sneak it by Yang, Ten and me. Then you spent the next week in the hospital for food poisoning."

Wow. I had forgotten.....Wait a minute.

Oh. My. GAWD! Rei actually pays attention to little ol me? KYAAAAA! I can die happily now. Okay now Tala. Chance number 276 to not be a dork when Rei does something incredible. Now breathe. That's right no hyperwhatever today. Now speak.

"He he he."

Rei arched a nicely shaped eyebrowat me before shaking his head.

Okay. Strike one. How about something a tad bit more intelligent than an deranged giggle.

"Rei I--"

"Talaaaaaa!"

Dammit! I had it that time!

"Yang mentioned that you might have some trouble showering so..." Brooklyn trailed off.

Oh. Fuck. No. What the fuck do I have to do to get this guy off of me! I know I'm gay but this is ridiculous!

"I thought."

"No thank you."

I'd rather stay dirty.

"Well it was either me or Mariah because everyone else has to go out soon."

What?

"What?" said Rei echoing my thoughts.

"Oh didn't Yang tell you? Impromptu shopping trip and she doesn't trust any of us to be in here by ourselves so she's sending us off while she finishes cooking."

"Oh." Rei says.

I don't know about you but isn't it odd for a person in a wheelchair to be cooking?

* * *

**1- Tala ran into the side of his house one time running away from fans. This actually happened to me in real life minus the fans.**

**2- This was an actual love note my sister got in the mail. So credit goes to whoever wrote that piss worthy letter.  
**

**A/N:Okay so I'm cutting it off here because it's going to be my first two part holiday story. Well outside of this I have to go back to my physical therapy to see if everything is still working with the leg. My opinion. Also long as it holds me upright painlessly I'm good. Wish me luck. I really don't want to go back but my oh so charming buddy (he's been demoted from lover to buddy for now) is driving me there personally. Well Ja Ne and Domo Arigato to those who review!  
**


End file.
